Question: What is something that all of us have in our heads, no matter how successful, high-performing, creative, and caring we are?
Answer: A chatterbox.
A chatterbox is that voice in your head that can’t stop talking — the one that keeps a running commentary of everything you should have done, could have done, and would have done if only you were smarter, more confident, more organized, and all around a better manager, employee, parent, partner, and human.
Our chatterboxes were already blaring in our heads before the pandemic, but when I talk to friends and coworkers, it seems like our internal monologues are now on constant full blast. This makes sense — many have worked from home for over a year, with no one to listen to but themselves. This is the environment the chatterbox loves best.
Chatterboxes are a LOT of work to manage — and we spend more time than we should listening to them. Our nagging internal voices affect our health, our piece of mind and clarity around decision-making, and our confidence. They’re especially tough to manage in our professional lives — how many times have you second-guessed yourself after a meeting (Why did you ask that question?) or a presentation (You really rambled when you gave those report highlights.)?
I’ve worked on outsmarting and quieting my own chatterbox for years. I don’t think mine will ever go away, but I do have three steps to put the “chat factor” in its place:
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- I acknowledge its presence,
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- I observe and evaluate what it’s trying to tell me, and
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- I act by replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones.
Acknowledge
The worst thing you can do for your chatterbox is to pretend it’s not there. Your mind is simultaneously thinking and observing — it never takes a break. It’s always there.
When I sense the chatter starting, I greet it with as much grace as I can: “Hey, I see you here. What do you need?” Sometimes, I’m firm: “You’re not welcome here right now. I don’t have time for you.” It might sound silly, but it helps me admit the voice is there and I need to deal with it before it gets out of hand. Important note: doing the work to acknowledge your chatterbox doesn’t mean what it’s saying is true.
Observe & Evaluate
After I acknowledge the chatterbox, I take a moment to observe what it’s saying to me — and how I’m feeling. Am I anxious? Worried? Stressed? Then, I ask myself why I’m feeling this way. If I’m truly scared or anxious about something, I tell myself it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling but I cannot stay in that place for an extended period of time. I’m a problem-solver — and to solve problems, you have to reflect and ask tough questions. Here are the ones I ask myself:
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- Does this help me get to my highest good? I’m a big believer in “the highest good” — your north star that connects everything you do to your soul and guides you to do what you’re on this earth to do. 99.9% of the time, the negative self-talk doesn’t help me get to my highest good, and I do my best to move on.
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- Does this thought serve me right now? Similar to the highest good question — but more immediate. We’re busy people, and if listening to my chatterbox keeps me from getting something done and moving on, the answer is also no.
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- What can I do to shift from negative chatter, to a positive outlook on the situation? Here’s where the “action” part comes in — more on that below.
Take Action
My good friend Kim Binion Richards always says “suffering is optional,” and this is true when it comes to outsmarting your chatterbox. You can choose to stay in the chatter, or you can take action and make it better.
I mentioned above that I actively work to replace the negative chatter with a positive statement — or at the very least, a truthful statement. For example:
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- “You have no idea what you’re doing” becomes “I’m learning something new, and it will be easier the next time I do it.”
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- “I’m stressed and I don’t know how to cope with it” becomes “I’ve felt this before, but it’s only temporary, and I will be okay.”
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- Other times, it’s enough to simply say to myself, “My mind is not always my friend,” “Thoughts are just thoughts — it doesn’t mean they’re true,” or — my favorite, “This too shall pass.”
Chatterboxes Are Internal and External
For many of us, our external “chat factor” is just as loud as our internal one. We all have loved ones, friends, and co-workers who mean well, but have a lot to say about our situation and choices. We internalize these external comments without realizing it.
Recently, I was talking with my teenage daughter, and I found myself cautioning her against something. She responded by saying, “Mom, don’t put that in the atmosphere!” We say this in our house when we want to limit negative energy around an idea or situation — and she didn’t want any of my negative energy to affect her thinking.
In closing, outsmarting your chatterbox takes practice. However, when you take the time to acknowledge, observe, and act on the negative talk, you’ll find your way to a more confident, peaceful place.
