A few months ago, I was sitting in a restaurant with my children and their friends. We had just finished a great lunch and were casually chatting about what was next on our agenda that day. Moments before, our server had come to the table and provided me with a comment card where I could leave a review, but I was waiting for him to return with the bill.
After a few minutes, I called our server over and asked him if he could get us our bill. He obliged and returned with it immediately. As I was getting out my credit card, he told us that the culture of the restaurant is such that they don’t automatically give the bill to a table at the end of the meal—they wait for someone to ask for it. They want their customers to focus on enjoying time with friends and family, and not rush their experience.
I felt silly—because I had made the assumption that he had forgotten about us. That exchange with our server taught me a valuable lesson: we can’t expect people to always know what we want, no matter how obvious we think we make it. In order to get what we want, we have to ask for it.
In our professional lives, asking for what we want—whether it’s a promotion, a salary increase, or a more flexible schedule so we can pick our kids up from school—can feel like we’re taking a big risk. What if our leader says no? How much are we willing to compromise? Is there a right time to ask? There are so many questions swirling around in our heads that often, we scare ourselves into not asking. We hope that someday, someone will see what we need.
Unfortunately, that rarely happens. The only way to get what we truly deserve is to put aside the fear and speak our wants out loud. Over my 20+ year professional career, I’ve taken the adage “closed mouths don’t get fed” to heart. Here’s how I’ve been able to get more comfortable in asking for what I want:
Use smaller “wants” as practice
When you’re not used to asking for what you want in your day-to-day life, it can be tough to make the mental leap to a larger professional ask. So, to prepare for bigger action, start getting comfortable by confidently and routinely asking for something smaller.
For example, you might delegate a task you typically take care of to a member of your team—a monthly report you usually put together, or a meeting you take care of coordinating. Or, you might ask your partner to take on an additional evening of cooking for your family, or be responsible for the grocery shopping for the foreseeable future. These are all small asks that can increase your confidence, helping you level up to a larger conversation where there’s more at stake.
Collect your data
If what you want might be a tough conversation to have, think of the worst-case scenario. In my worst-case scenarios, I’m usually rendered speechless because I didn’t do my research—and that means I don’t have all the data points and information the person I’m communicating with has access to.
For this reason, it’s critical to do your homework. If it’s a salary negotiation, be sure you have a list of all of your accomplishments and how they’ve moved your organization forward, as well as an idea of comparable salary ranges for your role and years of experience. In addition, prepare for all the possible objections to your ask. What are all the reasons your ask might get rejected? Having examples to back up what you want will show you’re prepared, you’ve thought of the scenario from every angle, and you’ve done your research.
Understand your level of compromise—and theirs
Now, I’m not telling you to compromise. Rather, I’m asking you to think critically about whether you’ll compromise, and what that might look like. For example, let’s say you’re looking for a $30,000 salary increase. Would you be happy with an immediate $15,000 salary increase—and a confirmation from your leader that they’ll put serious consideration into the additional $15,000 increase when it’s review time?
Also, don’t be afraid to ask about their level of compromise. Is there a situation that they can see happening that you hadn’t considered—and would you entertain that scenario?
If it’s a “no” or “not yet,” get clear on the next steps
This is a critical step. As much as we’d like it to be true, we don’t always get what we’re asking for on the first try. However, that doesn’t mean you stop trying—you simply ask when the conversation or situation can be revisited. If there’s room to have another discussion in the future, make it a point to get another discussion on the calendar.
If your manager or leader has made it clear that the conversation is over, it might be time for some self-reflection, where you think long and hard about whether you can continue to stay in your environment. Think about it: if you’ve presented your case, and asked for a potential compromise, and the answer is still no, is this the sign you need to move on from a situation that just isn’t serving you professionally?
When something is worth asking for professionally, the results aren’t often immediate. They’ll take time to achieve—and achieving always starts with asking in the first place.
